In Blackest Night – Hello Me, It’s You
The struggle to try and figure out who I am continues. I don’t even know where to start nor how. There are certain elements that I am sure are me; the geekiness, the gaming ‘addiction’ and the foul mouth. The rest? I’m not so sure. I’ve played the sick and twisted humoured Scotsman for at least a decade – I don’t recall being quite so bad prior to this. This leaves me wondering if that is part of me or if it is part of the character I inadvertently created.
I know what I like. I know what I don’t like. But I am no further forward in my existential crisis. My identity crisis. I find it very difficult to figure out what persona is the real me. I act in accordance with my surroundings and by being reactive, I have created a number or personas. I may not have meant to, but I think it’s part of the fight or flight response.
The one question that remains like a thorn in my mind is whether there is even a way to answer this conundrum or if it’s a case of tricking myself to believe something to be true. I feel like this is where the ‘path of least resistance’ if hidden from view. There is no easy route here. Upon that realisation, I retreat. The flight response is strong when there is no easy option. But, truth be told, I’m not sure what options there are.
Do I define myself based upon the views of others or do I find my own way? I guess the natural answer to that is to find my own way but I am fucking lost. Throughout my life, I have found myself dependant on others. There have been a few occasions where I have stepped out of my comfort zone and demonstrated independence or spontaneity but I really don’t think those traits are me. No one holds the answers here but I can’t help but find myself in a position where I feel lost and alone and need the direction of others knowing full well that my problem can only be identified and overcome by myself.
I’ve heard the term ‘inner strength’ banded around a lot but I have no idea if I have that and, if so, how I tap into that resource. Maybe the revelation will just hit me one day. Maybe it will pass me by. The not knowing is an endless torment that can only be described as Hell. I don’t think there are divides like Heaven and Hell in the celestial sense but I do think these ‘places’ exist within us. We all have our own Hell just as well as we all have our own Purgatory. But…I can’t help but think that Heaven doesn’t exist within us at all. Maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe, when I eventually find the right meds (if they even exist) and the right dosage (see the aforementioned point in parentheses) the answers will come. Or at least a more grounded revelation that provides some sort of answer.
I’ve often thought, and I know there have been studies into this and findings in relation to people who suffer with mental health issues, that I just don’t fit in. I don’t belong. It could be that I was born too late. Or perhaps early? Or that I just shouldn’t have been. A study that really caught my attention and captured my imagination was the theory that humans are aliens. We don’t belong on this planet. Our bodies are not native to this part of the solar system. It raised points such as our intolerance to sunlight, gravity and how our bodies aren’t designed to consume the food and various other products we consume.
Maybe my way of thinking is something akin to Morpheus and his crew – only a select few can see through the fabric. We can peel back the mask and realise the truth. Maybe that’s just some trippy kinda way to project responsibility.
Either way, these thoughts and notions don’t amount to shit and I’m still here. Pondering the point of existence and who I am or who I am supposed to be.
If anyone should find me, let me know. If I should find me, no doubt I will take to the blog and write another post.
In the meantime, thanks again for reading.