In Blackest Night – Mirtazapine – Day 6
Today has been marginally better than yesterday in terms of mood/energy…although I haven’t really done much today. The pain, from what I am convinced is a pinched nerve, is much worse. Painkillers have failed to take the edge off and as I haven’t napped at all today I am not sure if sleep would be beneficial.
I completed an online consultation with my surgery so I should hopefully hear back tomorrow as to what this pain is being caused by.
One thing that has been terrible today is my communication skills. It’s the reason I’m blogging later than usual (it’s 21:02 as I type this). I have struggled to get my words out, both verbally and written. I have a letter I need to complete within the next few days and I just cannot seem to focus on it. The words coming out are just a mess and I cannot afford to have a ‘tone’ or come across as unprofessional in it.
Blogging is slightly easier as their is no formality to it but it’s still difficult for me to articulate what I want to say. The communication issues have been an issue for a long time but usually I can get on with things but today. there have been a number of occasions where I’m trying to speak and I just give up because I can’t get the words out and I get extremely frustrated at myself over it.
I often wondered, as a child, what it was about speech impediments, stutters and other verbal problems that made them happen. I’ll be honest, I (and as a lot of other people probably) took it for granted that I could speak ‘normally’ and couldn’t get my head around why some people couldn’t do the same. Now I get it. Kinda like when my back problems have been really bad and I can’t move like I usually can – another thing taken for granted. It’s a harsh feeling to feel like your body is working against you. Out of all the things you think you can trust, your very being can turn against you for reasons unknown.
I’m not sure if folks will be able to relate to this but I really feel like I am not in control today. As I drove the kids to school this morning, I didn’t feel like ‘me’. It seemed as though I was a passenger within myself; seeing my body carrying out various actions but feeling like it wasn’t me doing them. It was a bizarre feeling that still remains now albeit nowhere near as strong. My head felt ‘fuzzy’ but, to be fair, that is probably the worst way to describe it. I suppose a better way to describe it would be that my brain feels like it has another inhabitant…and it’s me.
As I write this, I’m thinking of Being John Malkovich and how, if you’ve seen it, much more relevant it is in describing this sensation. People often talk about out-of-body experiences but this is the inverse and it seems creepier than the latter. I hope it’s gone tomorrow when I wake up as it, combined with the pain and the general ‘not feeling me’ is putting me on a further downward journey and I have to start coming back up for air as I feel suffocated by everything that is going on.
It seems that I have something new wrong with me daily and I hate that. Not just because I’m fed up of having a variety of ailments but because of how it must look/sound to others. People’s perceptions of me always gets to me (even though they may not be thinking it – another subject for another blog post) and I don’t want to be seen as ‘that guy’. You know, the one who has everything wrong with him aka the hypochondriac.
Anyhoo, enough waffling – I dread to read this post back as it probably makes no sense at all – it’s time to have a smoke and head up the carpetted trail. Let’s hope for a better day tomorrow.
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