Craigy’s Mind Blowers – Dawn of the Living
I initially posted this musing over on my old blog and I want to make this clear – I am and always will be in awe as to the continuation of our species.
I often wish I could travel back in time to the very first ‘date night’. When primitive man inserted his erectus into her vaginus. What always blows my mind is how that would come about. Our very existence could have been blinked out of existence quicker than your dad could’ve shot you into a Kleenex and flushed you away.
Was it a case of may hours spent exploring each other’s bodies figure out where the round peg went and do we now refer to that as foreplay? Had he shoved his love baton up her dung funnel to be yelp of pain and a swift right hook to tell him to back the fuck off? What if early man was happier with mutual masturbation or some mouth action and didn’t bother with anything else?
Until they discovered fire, did he roll over and pretend to blow smoke rings with a piece of grass? Did she let out an unsatisfied sigh as she rolled her eyes and finished the job? Did they use bits of wood or even small animals as sex toys? How did they initiate ‘the deed’? In the throes of passion, how many actually died because the rough and tumble was a bit too rough?
But, more than all that I just want to know HOW they figured the act out! But then, my mind isn’t even happy with that. What happened when morning sickness and all the other things we understand today happened? Did they think the gods had cursed them? Some foul demon had possessed their hormone driven partners causing fits of rage and cravings the like they had never seen? And what of child birth? Even today, it’s a pretty horrifying thing to bear witness to: a small head emerging from the flaps of the previously poked envelope of love. Did the fathers cave the heads of these little creatures in with their clubs in fear of what was happening?
So many things could have gone wrong yet somehow they were smart enough to work it out and allow us the lives we live today. But, in the infinite earth theory, was there an instance where they hadn’t and humans don’t exist on Earth-X?
Moving on from the hurdle of how the first man and woman got jiggy with it, and perhaps this should have been first, the blueprint of our being. As depicted in Prometheus, were we created by the engineers? Were we initially sketches on a desk akin to da Vinci’s L’Uomo Vitruviano? An image that looked like an ordinance survey map with the colour-coded roads/motorways showing our vascular system as well as the various points of interest such as the heart and lungs.
How did a single celled organism become so advanced and complex? I often have existential crises in which I cannot comprehend how any of this can be real due the the complex nature of the human body let alone the other key elements of our universe. I do not believe in God or the gods (old or new) but I can’t shift the notion that we were designed by something. But then the other question is what designed our maker? And so on and so forth.
Like the thread of an infinite sweater; as you pull it, more and more unravels but you never get any closer to the truth. If the engineers designed us, who designed them? Alternatively, if we crept out of the Primordial Soup (or The Prim as it was referred to in Stephen King‘s The Dark Tower) then were we just a lucky coincidence or a destined set of circumstances? So many questions and not enough answers – and, unless we can travel back in time, these questions will go unanswered.
These are the types of things that pose as splinters in my mind. May the Flying Spaghetti Monster help me.
—The Trying Scotsman has a ‘Don’t Be A Dick’ policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—